Carving My Initials in the Tree of Time: Putting 38 Years Behind Me

In two weeks I will enter my final year of 30 anything.  I'm not freaking out or having a mid-life crisis, at least I don't think I am.  Heck, if I'm being completely honest I would have to admit that I never really planned to be here.  By that I mean I didn't have a series of 5 year plans that were carefully executed and led me to this day.  But here I stand nonetheless and a little reflection goes a long way.

I've lived in a Buick and shaved in a truckstop bathroom.  I've rented beach front condos in New England.  I've laughed and ordered $50 steaks.   I've eaten Ramen and been thankful to have it. I attended college at least 3 times in my 20's and 30's.  I've been a web designer, an engineering document writer, a trust banker, a minister, a corrections officer and currently earn my bread as an IT guy.  I've traveled on an employers dime and stood at the peak of the highest mountain in Colorado and bombed through the snow covered roads of the Rockies in Utah.  Work has put my feet in the Gulf of Mexico via Mississippi and Louisiana and the Atlantic via Florida.  They even bought my hotdog in NYC a few years back and filled my truck's gas tank up and down the east coast a few times.  I've baptized young men and old men.  I've stood beside an open grave after delivering a funeral sermon for one of those men.  I've wrestled inmates and consoled widows.  I've watched as my bride brought four children into our lives, all at home, and have held my own children literally moments after they exited the womb.  I've seen my children connected to breathing tubes and IVs.  That will center a young father in a hurry.  I've stood next to my bride with just a guitar and her voice to lead folks in the worship of the Lord of All Creation and I've slept off a few too many on the floor.  So what have I learned in these first 38 years?  Glad you asked, I'd be happy to share.

First, I don't know that much about that much.  Many times between 16 and 28 I was absolutely certain that I had it all figured out.  And just as many times in that time span I was proven wrong, emphatically and categorically.  I was once called impetuous by a man that I sought to mentor me.  I remember that moment.  He sat back in his chair and said, "Now Kevin, you are simply an impetuous young man."  I replied that I didn't know what that meant but I trusted it was not a complement.  I have since learned not only what the word meant but that he was, in fact, correct in his assessment.  I was, and probably still am today but to a much lesser extent, impetuous.  I have to admit though that a little bit of that served me well as a younger man and led me to the second thing I've learned.

Secondly, if adventure calls your name, bloody go for it.  Part of being impetuous meant that a newly married trust banker with a baby on the way would quit that job and move everything they owned in an Oldsmobile 88 to Vermont in the middle of  Hurricane Katrina.  We traded cushy office jobs for a church van and guitars, 1200 miles away and a youth pastor's salary.  Was that the carefully calculated and precisely planned path to success?  No, absolutely not but it was a fantastic adventure and formed me as the man I am today.  It solidified our young marriage and provided the points above about ramen and rent.

Third, just keep punching.  I have often likened life, and specifically marriage, to a bar fight.  Sometimes you are not sure where the hard knocks are coming from and if that is blood or beer on your face but you need to keep fighting.  Keep your back pressed against your partner and just keep punching.  If one of you gets knocked down, the other drags them to their feet and you both keep moving.  In the twelve years she has been my bride we have known lack and plenty, sickness and health, anxiety and laughter.  I took a pretty hard shot once when a job didn't pan out.  My knees buckled and my arms drooped.  She loved me, stood strong and gave me a reason to fight.  On this side of that memory now I know that I know that I know she has my back.  When a man finds a wife he finds treasure and he receives favor from the Lord.  This has proven truer to me than anything else.

Finally, humility is not a weakness.  It is actually the first sign of strength.  The first 26 years of my life were all about me.  I had dabbled with religion but drank deeply from the well of selfishness.  I had mentioned the name of Christ but had never bowed to Him.  Of all the things I've thought I knew clearly and later learned otherwise, this truth stands apart.  What I thought I knew of Christ proved to be incomplete, not wholly incorrect.  What I thought I knew of grace was partial, and not nearly glorious enough.  Each time I have been confronted with my weakness, my sinfulness, my selfishness I have been overcome by His strength, His holiness, His love and His gentleness.  I am, more than anything, a fledgling disciple who follows from too far back, mutters to himself far to often and would be utterly devoid of hope were it not for Him holding me fast.  Like the sinner that would dare not raise his eyes but muttered for mercy, I was and am indebted to One that bled to make me His.

So where does this leave me as I toe the line of 39 and look forward to 40?  I am less likely tonight to say 'this is where I will be next year' than I might have been a few years back.  I know this.  I am a rich man.  I'd like to think that we are living in our hand built home in the woods next year at this time.  I am excited to see what crazy adventures that will involve.  I look forward to watching my children discover who they are and all the potential that lives inside them.  I am content to let offenses slide that would have worked the younger me into a lather.  I would rather sit by the campfire with a few friends than be anywhere else in the world.  The simple things really are the best things.  The night sky beats any big screen plasma.  The sunset is just God showing off.  The sunrise is proof that we get one more chance to get it right.


Here's to 38 in the rear view and, Lord willing, another 38 before me.